My cell phone hates me...and I hate it.

Like many humans I have a cell phone.  In fact I have a "smart phone" but my phone isn't smart - it's lazy and pretty damn stupid.  Ok - it's really stupid. The movie Waterworld was “smart and entertaining” in comparison to how stupid my phone is.  I once talked to a girl who, for 20 minutes, argued leap year had an extra MONTH in it (Septober! You know - that crazy month that pops up once every 4 years) and while defending her argument she was smarter than my smart phone.  

What special needs phone do I own?  I own the HTC Hero with Google and this thing is too stupid to be a paperweight.  Aside from its handicapped battery life that requires 2 FULL charges everyday is the fact my phone stutters and freezes more than Hellen Keller's blubbering ass did while learning to read and talk (keep in mind she was a blind, deaf mute).  IF my phone has enough battery life and IF my phone is stable enough it will - wait for it - make a phone call!!! No, no...not every time or most of the time or even some-of-the-fucking-time...no.  Not my special little guy.  It sparingly and seemingly begrudgingly makes phone calls only when it deems them appropriate or necessary - about 20% of the time.  

If I were in some sort of emergency that required an urgent form of distressful communication I would pick the following methods/devices to notify help before even considering using my phone:  Screaming and shouting. Throwing my shoes in the air. Throwing my cell phone in the air.  Lighting a dumpster fire.  Lighting myself on fire. A whistle. Two Goddamned cans and a whole lot of string. Banging a wooden spoon against a metal pot. Carrier pigeons. Lighting the pigeons on fire. Telepathy. Anything - ANYTHING - is more reliable.  It's a vibrating, ringing, drooling, error code producing, stuttering mess of technology - and it's all mine.  


Texting on this finicky bitch is as frustrating as it is fascinating. For example: the predictive text creates its own words and saves them in the custom dictionary then tries to force me to use these imaginary words when I type real words.  Or the snail like pace I have to type a text message because going too fast can cause the phone to: 1) make up it's own god damn language 2) freeze 3) Produce one of seemingly endless error codes of why it's not feeling like working that day 4)  Turn off.  Yea this little jem of technological craftsmanship will actually go into full shut down mode if I string words together any faster than a slow text mumble.  (And you thought I was kidding with the  Hellen Keller comparison)

Here are a few fun error codes that I deal with on a daily basis:

Shortage?  The only thing short about you is the bus you take to school.  I hate you phone. 

Cause Code: 64/Error Class 2???  This thing is so riddled with mistakes and errors it has to provide a subclass designation in order to tell me why it's an even bigger piece of shit than I already thought it was!  Cause code and error Class???  WTF!  You're a phone.  A PHONE! 

Error Code 78 and 67?? Network and Registration failures?    Make the call and send the damn text.  That's your only job.  I guess if you don't hear from me until next Septober you now know why...FML.